"Haven't you read the pinned post?"
"Praise is lazy, it's worthless, it's harmful and it has no value to children."
***
A few weeks ago I was at my absolute wit's end with Rose. She's almost four and can, at times, be an incredible handful.
She is the type of girl that teachers refer to as 'spirited'. She is a bundle of stubbornness and strong will. She is fiercely independent, clever, funny and wonderful.
She is her mother's daughter after all.
And I was - and very still often am - at the end of my tether. I do have two older children and have been there and done that, however, Rose has challenged me in ways they did not.
I don't know if this is due to my different approach to parenting this time around (my older children are in their early twenties) or because it's just how she is.
Either way, little Rose was sent to test me and that's for certain.
Luckily, I have the added help of Google and fingertip access to mothers and fathers that span the entire breadth of the globe.
Parents that are willing to take a few moments out of their day to give advice, or simply to offer a camaraderie that was not available when Lewis and Holly were little.
My village as it were.
And on days when you're feeling utter pants, just a few words and a virtual high-five from a stranger can brighten your dismal outlook:
"You've got this mama"
Or completely ruin it...
Because there are such people that the term 'Keyboard Warrier' was invented for. They are vitriolic at best, patronising, judgmental, and sanctimonious at worst.
On one of my worst days, I began to question everything about the way we parent and discipline Rose so I did what I do best: research.
I bought books on gentle parenting, joined a couple of Facebook forums and posted my first question.
I queried how I could gently persuade Rose to do something when she didn't want to do it. When Rose doesn't want to do something it ultimately leads to massive public meltdowns with crying, frustration and anger from both of us.
I was met with a few genuinely helpful responses: what were the reasons for Rose not wanting to do said thing? Had something upset her, was she tired or hungry etc.
I mentioned that I had older children and (jokingly) said that I'd managed to fumble my way through parenting without applying any specific techniques.
I explained that my older children are in their twenties now and perfectly happy well-rounded individuals. Adding maybe it was time to re-think my approach with my 'difficult child'.
Only to be met with a reply from a member of the group saying that gentle parenting came so naturally to her and that I'd probably already done a lot of damage and that I needed to promptly 'reset' with my child/children before it was too late.
Now I'm not especially sensitive, but "done a lot of damage"...
WHAT THE ACTUAL FECK?!
Hey lady, just because I don't have a bookshelf shrine dedicated to Sarah Ockwell-Smith and applied these so-called gentle parenting methods (could be construed as hippy, pushover) doesn't mean I've been damaging.
I mean, I didn't go on the forum and say "Well yeah, I've been jacking up since the kids were small and they've been eating mouldy food out of the bin" now did I?
This immediately got my back up because she had automatically assumed that any other parenting methods are damaging.
Which is absolutely not the case at all.
From my perspective, gentle parenting is all well and good but you try using those techniques with a teenager and see how far you get.
There will be consequences and problems with the approach.
In my view it is actually pretty flawed because (and I know I might get stick for this) teenagers need to learn respect otherwise they will walk all over you and 'gently' fannying about is just not going to cut it.
Sorry. Not sorry.
Someone else in the forum suggested a sticker reward chart. Yes! Why didn't I think of that? Children respond so well to praise and reward.
Oh no, no, no. The forum will not be privy to people recommending they reward their kids.
LIKE DOGS.
"Haven't you read the pinned post?"
Any comments suggesting said sticker reward charts are immediately removed. We do not reward or even verbally praise our children.
WHAT THE ACTUAL. You don't praise your children?
So let me just get my head around this for a second. Your kid pours his heart and soul into a drawing of you, your husband, his sister and the dog <that looks more like an eight-legged spider> and presents you with it and you don't exclaim -
"Oh, that's so brilliant! Look you drew us all and the dog it's AMAZING I love it, thank you"
Or your daughter comes 8th in a race of 8 kids and you don't scoop her up into your arms at the end and tell her -
"You ran so fast. I'm so proud of you"
You don't do that?
Nope. I would say something like: "I can see how hard you tried with that"
(Sounds like a robotic response to me, but ok)
"Praise is lazy, it's worthless, it's harmful and it has no value to children."
Really, wow. Because that sounds damaging. I'm no expert but growing up without any praise is harsh. But at least your kid learns how to feel praise from the inside, independent of his parents telling him how awesome he is.
Good job.
No praise, no reward. No saying no or don't.
I found the forums to be - and I'm not mincing my words today - full of grade A bitches. There was one post about someone in the media who has a new campaign about bedtime out at the moment.
The woman who was posting was very affronted that a librarian had offered her literature about the campaign. This was met with a lot of people replying saying how awful it was that the librarian had pushed the leaflet on her.
Shock horror, a different perspective.
You would think she'd tried to offer her crack from the responses.
They went on to say things like "Yuck! I can't even bear to look at her smug face."
Hmm, not so gentle now are we?
It does leave me wondering that if you are prepared to type venomous statements based on a person's appearance just what example you're giving your impressionable children...
I'm hopeful, not all the offspring from those in that group will grow up to be so unkind and without compassion.
That's if they learn to say thank you, first. Because gentle parents don't believe in asking your child to say that either.
As a mother of three, I can not understand how gentle parents are not constantly censoring themselves.
Everything that comes out of their mouths must be measured. It's just not natural.
I can't imagine not telling my children how special they are, commending them on how well they've done and verbally recognising and cheering their achievements, however big or small.
I also believe that children need discipline and boundaries and having done my dues as a parent to two other amazing young people, I can promise you that having rules will not ruin your children.
It doesn't mean that I'm not respectful, it doesn't mean that I don't listen and it certainly doesn't mean I'm not a gentle person.
But a gentle parent I am not.
Emily
Oh my goodness. It sounds like you're better off out of that group. That doesn't sound like gentl parenting at all and who doesn't praise their kids? I don't see how praising them is harming them? I'm forever praising my kids for literally everything! Haha! Great post Amy, really enjoyed reading this xx
Amy Treasure
It doesn't seem gentle, does it? I just couldn't get my head around the no praise thing. I will praise my kids until the cows come home!! Thanks Emily xx
AG
So I realize this is an old post, but obviously I was in need of advice as I am struggling with this whole GP thing. Your post made me feel so much better. There are definitely aspects of GP that I like, but it’s not 100% and it doesn’t work in every situation. Reading this made me realize that I can incorporate more than one style of parenting and my children will be better off for it. Thank you!!
Amy Treasure
It is old but still relevant so I am very glad it helped you to feel there are other options. Parenting is hard! I wish you and your family all the best. Amy.
Lorisa Thomas
Hey. I'm late to the party but I too have a 14,16 and 2 year old. My partner and I often disagree about my decision to gp. I agree with you that it does NOT work with teenagers. I am a different me than I was when I had the first two so I know that there are fights worth having with a 2 year old and then some not ! There are elements that feel unnatural at times but some of them I work through and my kid calms down and so do I. It'll change as she grows I'm sure and when I've had enough of her shenanigans it is known ! It's like a recipe. You first learn it how you were taught but as time progresses you tweak to your liking. My partner is very much pluck her because she's outrageous and spoiled
Liz
I don’t normally respond to articles, but I found this and felt like I should. I’m sorry you’ve had some bad experiences with forums and gentle parenting. But I don’t feel like you’ve actually represented what it is. Let’s face it forums are full of lots of people with strong opinions no matter the subject. You’re right it would be nice if they were there supporting you but if they’re not it’s not a group I’d go back to. I don’t think it’s fair however to judge the principles of a parenting method from comments on a forum. If you really look at gentle parenting you’ll see that it’s not about being a perfect parent. It emphasises that taking care of yourself and forgiving yourself when you act in a different way than you’d like is key. No one keeps their cool with their kids and is perfect all the time, but it’s about forgiving yourself and trying to do better next time.
As for the ‘no praise’ I feel like this is misinterpreted. The idea is to give specific praise rather than general good girl/well done. These answers are dismissive because they don’t show the child what exactly you liked about their achievement. The same as with the reward charts, it’s about helping them feel proud of the things they’ve achieved for themselves rather than becoming adults who are looking for someone else to tell them they’ve done a good job, or wants to do thing for rewards and medals. And, as an adult who despite a wonderful loving upbringing is always hoping someone will recognise my achievements I think it makes a lot of sense. But, if you don’t, it’s really up to you, they’re your children to raise how you see fit.
You also talk about having no rules and boundaries. This is also not true. Gentle parenting is about having rules, especially when they’re younger as children without boundaries have trouble coping. But it’s about not having so many arbitrary rules that don’t make sense to children and giving them small manageable choices so the aren’t just being told what to do all day. Or making games of tasks so they are more fun and not chores. Of course children are stubborn and you’re going to have to get them to do things, but finding more creative solutions than just giving orders is more likely to get results more of the time. For example getting a child to put on their shoes instead of just telling them to get their shoes on. You can make a game of the shoes running away, or giving options about should they like to try themselves or have mummy do it? Or if they want to do it now or in the car. I don’t really see why these things are seen as being so lenient. As adults we’d respond much more aggressively if we were told we had to do something now when we are in the middle of something. And children are in the middle of something all the time. It might not seem important to us, but to them it’s important work.
Gentle parenting also talks about consequences for behaviour. But it encourages natural consequences. Which means you don’t punish for behaviours. Mostly because especially at a young age they haven’t done something because they are trying to be naughty. They haven’t developed enough to make choices like this. But natural consequences are things that make sense to the situation. For example if you haven’t cleared something up and it breaks the consequence is that the toy has broken. When the child is calm you can talk about this and how this makes us feel. Or if they draw on the wall they help clear it up or paint over it. Discipline is about teaching how to act next time, rather than a punishment.
One of the reasons a lot of people dismiss gentle parenting is because it doesn’t give ‘quick fix’ solutions that things like reward charts and bribery do. But it helps longer term. It also doesn’t help stop things like tantrums, because children have a lot of frustration and anxiety that needs to come out, so unfortunately that’s how it comes out. But I do feel it helps you understand why you get tantrums and deal with them yourself. Because our own embarrassment at the situation is half the battle. It teaches them that being there and giving support while are children are upset is better than them bottling up their feelings when they are more likely to come out with other behaviours.
I’m not writing this with the expectation that anyone should convert to gentle parenting. I have found a lot of it to reinforce and give me reasons for the way I naturally parent, but everyone is different. I just felt like you’d missed some of the main points, and saw a stereotyped ‘hippie’ view. I have a lot of friends who don’t gentle parent but I wouldn’t preach to them about it. So maybe it’s more about finding a supportive group of people who are like minded to what you believe. At the end of the day, this is hard this parent thing, and we’re all trying to get through the best we can.
Kim
I agree. And not to be harsh in any way, @author, but if you are so pro punishment and have that amount of anger in you that you do not set aside when dealing with your child you probably did do some damage. My parents were damaging. I am never doing that to my child, no matter what it takes.
Amy Treasure
Kim, if you think punishment comes hand in hand with anger I would take a very long, hard look at yourself. Your comment is incredibly worrying :( Just because parents punish their kids (punish = having consequences) it doesn't mean they do it from a place of upset, hurt or anger. For you to jump to such a conclusion is completely unwarranted. I think maybe you need some help in the form of counselling or treatment, as you yourself have just shared with us that you are damaged. I'm really sorry your own parents were abusive. Really hope you're ok!
Erika
It's a shame the author didn't respond to you.
Lynsay Storey
Amen!!! Brilliantly worded! My thoughts exactly as I was reading the original post!
LR
Me too!!! My goodness, I am struggeling with my 2.5yo and I am feeling like a failure because I am constantly trying to not lose my shit but it's not working. And I feel horrible because other parents just seem to know it all and never yell. I am tired...
Ayla
Yes!!! I was in one of these forums and I have up on the unrealistic standards. Anything that proclaims to be the one and only way and criticizes with even the smallest missteps just seems way to culty! The last straw for me was when a mother posted about not wanting to Cary her child through the grocery store, but the child insisted. She asked about advice on how to handle it. She was told that she needed to carry her child because that is what her child needed and any response that instructed her to set boundaries was labeled not gentle parenting. I can appreciate the concept as a way to support my parenting methods but positive parenting is highly recommended in literature. I prefer to combine approaches for the individual need of the child.
A. Goes
I love this article and your response SO MUCH. Both of them spoke to me in ways I can't put into words at the moment. I just wanted to say thank you, to both of you (the OP and the lovely lady who commented),as I too, was looking for some advice for my 2.5yr old son who I am very overwhelmed with these last few weeks.. so THANK YOU. Truly. Your words helped and I'm grateful ♥️
Mark
Perfectly well rounded people don't need to whine on their blog about how some bad people criticized her parenting. I guarantee you are absolutely the problem here.
JT
Snarky Marky ;)
B
Not to mention how they can’t agree on what gentle parenting is. It’s all to their discretion. The world will not gentle parent your child. The “hood” will not gentle parent your child. I’m sure hard lessons are harsh realities are around the corner for gentle parenting era
Sarah Arrow
Oh Amy, how fricking awful! I have kids with a 9 and 10 year gap. It is hard to parent teens and little ones simultaneously. How any of us got through the eldest's teen years with our sanity intact is beyond me, You're doing great. You've not killed anyone in the group. You're still sane from parenting your spirited daughter (who will one day do amazing things in the world because you're her mum) and you're not gently rocking in the corner, humming R.E.M's "It's the end of the world as they know it".
Parenting is tough at the best of times. You're doing great.
P.S. I'm told, by a friend (honest) giving the kids a heavy spaghetti meal before bed, helps get them to sleep quicker. I'd like to say I only ever try this in emergencies and I never, ever, once fed the girls this two days running despite what the FB photos will indicate ;)
Amy Treasure
Ah lovely Sarah thank you. Mwah! It is so BLOODY hard and we're all just doing our best aren't we? I do agree with GP in some ways but geez those forums get HEATED and basically make you feel like total crap. Loving the spaghetti tip xx
Kell
Thank you for this article! Gentle parenting has not helped with my very strong willed/personality plus 3 year old and my friends make me feel terrible about not doing it.
There are also barely any articles on how it may not work for every child - the response seems to be that I’m not trying hard enough :(
Amy Treasure
Kell, the very fact that you are obviously actively seeking out and researching the reasons Gentle Parenting hasn't worked for you tells me you are more than trying hard enough. Please do not feel bad about this. The very notion that there is a one size fits all approach that aligns with GP is not feasible. I have made peace with the fact that parenting is so multi-faceted and that is because our children are all so very different. What works wonders for one child will simply not be a good fit for another so you must do what is right for you and what feels good. Take care of yourself, Amy x
Concerned Grandma
My daughter and daughter-in-law are using this approach with my grandchildren. While I am open to a different way of parenting, I am having a hard time seeing very good results from this method.
What I am observing in these children is a tremendous amount of anxiety and manipulation. Let's face it, a toddler nine times out of ten, doesn't know what they want for breakfast in the morning, or care about what they wear. Nor do they know why they are crying. Asking these babies to make decisions constantly puts alot if stress on them!! Plus, they want to please ,so they will give you the answer you want to hear. From an outsider looking in, I can see alot of problems with this method. They need structure, boundaries and guidance that we, as parents should be giving to them!!! I'm not saying be an overbearing dominant monster, but be sensible and balanced! I wasn't the perfect parent, but managed to raise seven . Thank God I threw the Dr Spock and other parenting books away!!
D Williams
I also have two grands being raised this way. They came to stay with us for 6 months while dad was away to give mom some help. This lasted 3 whole days. As the almost 4 year old was kicking a bucket to pieces I asked mom "How do you get him to stop?" As I had repeatedly said Stop! I was given a lesson on how I should change my voice and get on his level etc. I replied" I am in my 60's I don't get on the floor and reason with a child, and my voice is very unlikely to change at my age. " She left that day. They have no desire to put him in public schools, not due to studies, but socially.
I hate to say this but eventually someone will school him on right, wrong and stop. I just hope when he is older he lives through the encounter.
H. J.
I so appreciate this reply and think it is very astutely put. Someone WILL eventually educate him, and I believe it is far better for it to come from his own parents in a loving environment than some stranger in the world where he could be hurt or worse.
Lorraine
Ha Ha I got an eating disorder from this as a child. Maybe rethink that...
Laura's Lovely Blog
This, this and this! Brilliant post Amy. How can you not praise a child seriously? To me it's just natural so say what a beautiful drawing or invention or cereal boxes you have made for me. That's normal surely? My children get lots of love and affection from my husband and I, we're always hugging, but they also get very firm boundaries. My daughter sounds similar to Rose and is really testing me at the moment. But it does get better I find if I just reassert the boundaries and praise good behaviour. Really cannot get my head around no praise at all, sounds miserable.
Amy Treasure
Thank you! I read up quite a bit on it before I wrote this because I was shocked by it. The group was saying that there is lots of scientific evidence against giving praise etc but none of it looked very scientific to me, as there were just as many experts saying how detrimental no rewards could be. The way they respond to their children sounds robotic and I couldn't help but burst with pride verbally, it's only natural to express that feeling of pride, surely?! x
Emma Chanagasubbay
Gentle parenting is something that I have never looked into as I knew by the sheer name of it it was going to be a collection of people that weren't really me, and by the sounds of your experience I'm glad that I steered clear.
It sounds to me that you are doing everything perfectly and I'm my experience whatever you do there will be those children sent to try you.
My first three were great and I was an annoying smug mum, my last two however have been a complete different bag! Xx
Amy Treasure
I just don't remember it ever being a thing when our teens were small. It's all a bit hippyish for me or totally extreme and I don't like the no priase thing one bit. Rose is a handful but the benefit of hindsight means I know she'll be ok in the end! Thanks lovely xx
Alexandra Hodgson
I think I joined said "group" because I saw some of my friends like yourself were in it and I was intrigued. Eden is also 'spirited' and I will take any tips I can get. I saw that post you commented on and it just made me think yak, these people aren't very 'gentle' at all. It's so sad that anyone decides that one way is the only way to raise a child. I think they require different things at different seasons and I will forever be learning and never achieve "perfection" as a mother. This was a really interesting article. I'm so glad you wrote it. I'm calling BS on it all too xxx
Amy Treasure
I was so shocked by that, the lady (in that post in question) is really good friend's with my sister and that's how I know her. My sister would never be friendly with someone that was cruel to kids. I don't want to say too much in case she googles her name and sees that people were being so mean about her but I just thought, hang on, you've never met the woman and let's face it, it's her living helping others that are struggling. The forum is not for me and I will never be perfect, but you and I are both doing fine and I call BS with you mama! xxx
Plutonium Sox
I agree with you Amy, I think any method when taken to the extreme can be detrimental. I don't subscribe to any particular parenting method and if I'm absolutely honest, I think parenting groups / forums / social media etc. are terribly damaging to our relationship with our children. We just constantly beat ourselves up about trying to get it right and actually, what we were doing was never wrong. Except in the eyes of my child as it's her birthday next week and she wants a dinoroserous. I wonder what the gentle parenting gurus would advise I do about that? You're doing an amazing job Amy, how sad that bitchiness made you feel like you weren't.
Nat.x
Amy Treasure
Thank you Nat. Do you know I feel exactly the same way and someone else just said that the forums made them doubt every little thing and actually made them feel worse not better. Although I'm grateful to the friends inside my laptop some forums can be ghastly and this one was one f the worst I've ever seen actually (and that is saying something!) x
Amy Treasure
Ps. Lol'ing at how you are going to get around 'dinoroserous'!!
Clare aka Emmy's Mummy
OMG what the actual...
How would they like it if as adults they received no praise at all....they wouldn't that's for sure.
It's blooming crazy
Amy Treasure
Exactly! Everyone responds to praise and reward surely? They say no empty praise but even if my daughter drew a squiggly line on some paper I'd still praise her. They are extreme for sure!
Jules Pondering Parenthood
What a load of tosh! Of course praise and consequences are good for children. I hadn't realised what 'gentle parenting' was all about until reading this post. It sounds like an excuse to discipline your child to me! x
Amy Treasure
These were my husband's exact words too when I bought the book: 'What a load of tosh'! Couldn't agree more and the no praise thing is not for me. Thanks for reading Jules x
Lizzie
This made me laugh and also made me angry. Who are these women? It grinds my gears when mothers have a holier than thou attitude and that they're the only people raising happy children. If I was their child I'd run for the freaking hills! Also it sounds like you're going through the same as me with the kids. It's tough and I've found a few methods that have worked wonders and surprise surprise rewarding my child like a sweet baby puppy is one of them! I'll message you the other things we've tried. He's still a pain and an emotional wreck sometimes but I'm starting to find it easier to deal with. I tell you what though having the ability to see the funny side of there meltdowns helps my sanity because if I lose myself once more in public I'll never go out again. It's so embarrassing xxx
Amy Treasure
Oh bless you babes, the public meltdowns are the absolute pits and I felt/feel really crap about it but it happens and I'm sure my older kids did it too but I've just forgotten. I need alllllllll your tips. Even Rose's highly qualified school teacher said to use bribery haha! I'm sure they will grow out of it though and having teens I know all will be fine in the end. Thanks so much for reading chick xxx
Bespoke Mama
I'm a gentle parent, and it sounds like there's been some misunderstanding - remember not everyone in a group is an old hand, some will be newbies who have gotten the wrong end of the stick and run with it. The idea isn't that you never praise kids, it's that you don't give empty praise, and don't only praise when they finally achieve something. So that means praising the hundreds of times they attempt to tie their shoes and not just the time they finally manage it. And the idea is to be specific in your praise like 'oh you worked so hard and tied your shoes - doesn't it feel good learning a new skill. I am so proud of you' rather than a quick, dismissive 'good boy'. Or 'Oh thank you for that picture, can you talk me through it?' Rather than 'that's nice/pretty'. Generally you can't go wrong if you refer back to Sarah Ockwell-Smith - she is the actual authority on GP. Like with anything you are going to find people who have misunderstood and sadly people who are self-righteous. But you'll find that in any group of people!
The training like a dog thing refers to extrinsic vs intrinsic motivation. So the idea is that you don't want to get caught in a cycle of punishment and rewards to try and modify behaviour - because when you stop punishing/rewarding then they have no motivation to continue with the desired behaviours. You don't want to be bribing good behaviour out of kids when they are teens! So with gentle parenting the idea is to encourage them to do things because they are internally motivated to.
Finally the manners thing just has to do with authenticity. It's not that you don't teach your kids manners (although I read it that way the first time I heard about it). It's about constantly modelling good manners, so that instead of a begrudging, parroted 'thank you' that they don't mean, they start to use it genuinely. It may take a bit longer, but will mean so much more for that.
I am sorry you had a bad experience, but I did want to clarify - it really is a worthwhile parenting model, based on empathy with the child's feelings, an understanding of what a child can and cannot yet be expected to do developmentally, and on treating a child with respect now, rather than it being something they haven to earn once they are older x
Amy Treasure
Hi Caroline, thanks for reading today. I'm not familiar with your blog so you must be new here, which is nice :) I appreciate what you're saying about praise, my view is that even if I praised my children 100 times a day it wouldn't negate the sentiment because I am genuinely proud. I actually think it's pretty rare for a parent to talk to their children using empty words, isn't it? Just because they don't gently parent doesn't make them a complete empty-headed idiot. Also, you are assuming that people who don't follow gentle parenting don't talk through these different scenarios. It's only natural to be specific surely. I don't think this is any different from common sense parenting (which I'm a big fan of by the way.) Not praising, even the tiny things that seem insignificant to you is damaging.
I'm not sure if you have teenagers? Because I can assure you that at some point it is likely you will bribe good behaviour out of them. Trust me on that! It doesn't mean you don't respect them but actually, teenagers need discipline or - and pardon my French - it will all go to shit.
There is an old saying that manners don't cost anything, asking your children to say please and thank you is not a bad thing! They are cleverer than you think, and although in your view they might be saying please or thank you because they are internally motivated to do so it's actually far more likely that they are giving platitudes because it's the right thing to do. Try and think about a time where you've been in a shop and the lady on the till is in a foul mood but you say thank you anyway because that's the decent thing and we should all teach our children that. I would be mortified if I were in a situation where my child didn't say thank you because they felt that it wasn't warranted, and if that ever happened I would gently remind them that manners are what helps keep situations harmonious.
Finally, thank you so much for posting in the Gentle Parenting Facebook group about this article. I really appreciate all the extra page views. I especially liked the part where you suggested others come and 'respond gently to this post' and that 'for her children's sake maybe we should try to put the other point of view' that was so nice of you. I and my children thank you, sincerely.
Meredith
Thank you for posting this! I know this post is old, but I've just stumbled on Gentle Parenting and Janet Landsbury to find solutions for my toddler's behavior, and I really feel that this kind parenting is what leads to kids becoming self-absorbed a**holes. I'm shocked that parents think this is a good methodology. I have been reading about it and it seems like there is nothing about teaching kids empathy and thinking of others feelings. And you know what? None of the adults I know were raised using gentle parenting, and they are mostly successful, happy, competent, resilient, empathetic individuals.
Amy Treasure
I think you're in the same situation I was in: searching for solutions for a toddler whose behaviour you're not sure how to manage? You're looking for advice and guidance and instead came across Gentle parenting and seemingly as shocked as I was! I think you're 100% right in that parents following the GP methods to the letter are going to have trouble on their hands! I've also got two teens and I've mentioned before that NOTHING can prepare you for those years and the GP methods will not work! I could wax lyrical for hours on this subject but the number one standout for me was the lack of empathy (and manners!) that these parents are teaching and it just does not sit right with me at all - especially considering the GP parents and forums I've come across were some of the rudest most patronising and condescending adults I've ever come across online! Thanks for reading!
Cindy
Thank you! I made the mistake of joining a gentle parenting group on Facebook. Wow! The ladies were condescending, pious, self- righteous, full of judgement, etc. Awful! What’s gentle about that? All they did was make me feel like a crappy parent.
Amy Treasure
The groups I joined had some of the most self-righteous parents (mostly mums) I've ever come across. Beggars belief!
Emma T
Totally with you on this Amy. Thankfully N was always quite easy (he has his moments now with not doing obviously things, rewards sometimes working/sometimes not) but generally I'd say I've been fairly relaxed with him within boundaries. I've communicated with him. But they need to learn manners and to live in a normal rule led society.
Hopefully with Rose it's a phase, and it's a case of just finding the trigger that will encourage her to see calmer options when needed. I found giving 2 (or 3 'options' worked well. Give them what they think is a choice. Might work?
I guess for most people who don't parent to an extreme or believe in every family just needing to find the way that works for them, we'll just stay away from forums like that.
Amy Treasure
Thanks Emma, my eldest boy sounds a lot like N. He was a breeze compared to Rose if I'm honest! I really find that giving options helps, so maybe I should increase that to 3 options! Definitely stay away from the forums, they are awful!
Laura Moore
Those people have confused themselves. What they are espousing is permissive parenting. Rules and boundaries are definitely a part of Gentle parenting. Children need to know where they stand, otherwise they get anxious and stressed. Discipline means teaching - we have to teach our children how to behave and model acceptable behaviour to them. Gentle Parenting is about finding ways to bring up our children that don't include violence, shame, bribery or punishment. It's about treating our children with the respect and kindness that we expect for ourselves; about teaching strategies for problem solving and explaining why certain behaviours are unacceptable; about guiding our children towards intrinsic motivation rather than acting only to gain rewards or avoid punishment.
It makes me so sad and angry that there are people out there giving Gentle Parenting a bad name and behaving in an utterly ungentle way towards other adults. I'm sorry you were treated this way.
Amy Treasure
Hi Laura, thank you for reading and commenting. I know a lot of my article is flippant and based on the way I've been treated but from what I've read I do actually agree with elements of GP. There are some things that don't sit well with me. Thank you for putting a clearer perspective on it, I really appreciate it.
Mrs H
Amazing post. I've always struggled with gentle parenting. There are so many things that sound wrong - not praising. No saying thank you. WTF? It is just wrong? I've been on a number of these forums in the past. And if you have a differing opinion to the group then many of the women become completely hateful and vitriolic. It is terribly wrong. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Amy Treasure
It is totally wrong! But they say it is completely backed up by scientific evidence. After a bit of research, I can find scientific evidence to suggest quite the opposite as is usually the case. I wonder if a lot of them are anti-vax too, as they seem to be 'the type.' Women can be vile but the ones in these forums are on another level. Thanks for reading lovely Lucy xxxx
Verily Victoria Vocalises
People really are opinionated shits! At the end of the day, to me, parenting is a balancing act with an equal amount of praise when it's due and bollocking when it's due! But that is only my opinion and I wouldn't force it on others. The parenting community can be so very helpful but unfortunately there is also the flipside too. You keep doing what you are doing. You know best and you are fab x
Amy Treasure
Love you Vic and I totally agree. I think a lot of these gentle parents will have a major wake up call as soon as their kids reach a certain age. at the moment they are doing the easy bit compared with what's to come! Thank you darling x
Sofie
Hi Amy,
I'm one of the people who commented on your post. I offered advice which you thanked me for and called "brilliant" so I find this blog confusing!
I've also looked over the thread, which is still there and frankly I've not seen any of the comments that you're stating you were given.
The pinned post has a huge amount of information and positive reading- hence why I could imagine you would have been adviced to read it, along side all new members:)
Amy Treasure
Sofie, if you read back you can see that I very clearly said I joined 'a couple of facebook groups' so perhaps that's where your confusion comes from. This article refers to a number of things that were said in more than one group. FYI I'm a journalist by trade and don't just magic content out of thin air, I would also never directly quote someone unless it was 100% authentic. I think you will find if you look back through the threads on your group you will find the post from the lady who complained about the librarian. And you and I both know EXACTLY what was said, don't we? Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate you reading today :)
Sofie
I comment a significant amount of threads daily so I'm afraid, I don't remember.
I do wonder if you joined because you really wanted to understand GP or if you joined for writing material! As a writer myself, I know shock factor material can be hard come by.
Have a lovely day:)
Hopeful1
I think this “style” of parenting is just a rebranding of previous ignorant ideas sold to gullible young parents. The ones I see that absorb and totally buy into it are typically angry at their parents, rebelling against authority, and want to legitimize whatever way they’re living that is in conflict with how they were taught.
This way, they “know more and know better” than their own parents.
I see the advocates of this lunacy have no room discussion or dissenting opinion and would like a reboot on “finding themselves.” If grandparents don’t go along with their new found parent style cult, they cut ties.
I’ve seen older kids (10-12) who were raised with this. It’s not a good outcome. They have a dead look in their eyes and no joy.
Katy (What Katy Said)
Ah love you! You've seen me, you've seen my children. I am not a gentle parent and if anyone ever dared to tell me I have damaged my kids I think I'd stomp on their foot. My girls are polite, happy and confident. I have disciplined them from a young age - hell, I even made William cry the other day as he was pulling leaves off a plant. Those gentle parents (or at least the ones in that group as I can't say I've heard of any other type) will end up with disobedient and down right miserable children. Can't be doing with the nonsense. You should post this in their group hahaha!!! xx
Amy Treasure
Do you know you are spot on!? Just because people don't follow the GP method doesn't mean their kids turn into miscreants! I am afraid that the members of the groups have complete tunnel vision when it comes to GP and it's their way or the highway and they are so sanctimonious it's untrue. Your children are beautiful people and that's because you have modeled their behaviour without relying on something like GP, which doesn't necessarily work for everyone. Love you! xx
Poppy
Amy, have you got an email or a way I can contact you? I would like to send you some screen shots. Lovely post. Spot on c
Amy Treasure
Yes I have! It's [email protected] Thanks x
Victoria
This misunderstanding of gentle parenting is common. It does not mean no limits, no consequences and no discipline. It means consequences are logical. Instead of "you throw that toy, then no TV for you" it's "you throw that toy, I take it away," it's logical. Like real life consequences are.
And no, no rewards and praise in constructive. You really think all the "good jobs" help anyone? It's "oh I see you've drawn a picture. Can you tell me about it? I love the use of red here" etc. It's constructive.
No punishment and no reward does not mean no discipline and no limits. It means you respect your children as actual people. And treat them with the same respect you want them to treat others. Discipline doesn't have to mean punishment. Model the behaviour you want to see. A great book is how to talk so kids will listen. And this article from someone who lived respectful (gentle) parenting.
http://jitterberry.com/2017/04/respectful-parenting-isnt-just-a-theory-to-me-i-lived-it/
Amy Treasure
The very odd thing is that in essence, I completely agree with the principles you're describing. What I will never agree with is censoring myself with my children, nor judging others who, though they may parent differently, clearly parent with love. To reiterate the point I made to Caroline (who posted my article in the GP forum) Just because people don’t gently parent doesn’t make them a complete empty-headed idiot. You are also assuming that people who don’t follow gentle parenting don’t talk through the different scenarios you've suggested above. It’s only natural to be specific. I don’t think this is any different from common sense parenting (which I’m a big fan of by the way.) Not praising, even the tiny things that seem insignificant to you is damaging. Hoping very much that you will come back and read some more of my posts, you never know you may even pick up some tips. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment today.
Hannah Spannah
Ha! This made me laugh! As the offerer of the sticker chart advice in the group, you know that a) no, I had not read the pinned post, b) left the group within 5 minutes of being told that they don't use praise.
Empty praise, yes, doesn't do much good, but a little bit of praise here and there does a world of good.
Amy Treasure
Haha! I wondered if you would see this...we shall now refer to that as 'sticker gate'. I know what you're saying about empty praise and I hear you! Thanks for commenting Hannah!
M
Hi Amy
Sorry you had such a bad experience. I am part of one of the groups you mention (the same that has the library comment) and I too think sometimes there can be really quite mean and unhelpful comments on there to desperate parents. I'm even too nervous to write my full name here!
There are things I very much dip in and out of with GP such as parents deciding not to 'parent' at bedtime (not for me) but like you, some things don't stick, such as no praise. I have to be honest I do roll my eyes at some of the posts sometimes and I like to be helpful and comment on new members posts who are just looking for support but apparently aren't doing it right.
I think there are ways to be a 'gentle parent' without actually ticking boxes and putting yourself in some sort of category.
X
Amy Treasure
Hi! Thank you so much for commenting I really appreciate it. I know exactly what you mean and to be honest not at all surprised you don't want people to be able to identify you. I found that particular group to be the worst because a lot of posters are really judgy and won't be challenged on their ideas. They basically think they are right and will not accept otherwise. There are elements of GP that I agree with, but really I find it is mainly just common-sense parenting and as I have been a mum for 18 years I have learnt that there are many different approaches and there is not a one size fits all when it comes to being a parent. We all make mistakes, and we all at some point do things that many will disapprove of but that's life. Thank you for reading x
Angela Milnes
I joined that group and totally disagreed with half the crap they were saying. Glad you and i agree.
Amy Treasure
I am so glad we agree! Thank you Ang
Hopeful1
Hopeful1 December 27, 2022 at 2:19 pm
I think this “style” of parenting is just a rebranding of previous ignorant ideas sold to gullible young parents. The ones I see that absorb and totally buy into it are typically angry at their parents, rebelling against authority, and want to legitimize whatever way they’re living that is in conflict with how they were taught.
This way, they “know more and know better” than their own parents.
I see the advocates of this lunacy have no room discussion or dissenting opinion and would like a reboot on “finding themselves.” If grandparents don’t go along with their new found parent style cult, they cut ties.
I’ve seen older kids (10-12) who were raised with this. It’s not a good outcome. They have a dead look in their eyes and no joy.
Single Mother Ahoy
This is hilarious - but also frustrating as hell!
I would consider myself a "gentle parent" - but I also tell my kid how amazing she is at every available opportunity. And I don't do sticker charts with S but I know tons of people who do and if it works for them then who cares.
I think the thing about not praising is, or at least I thought the idea was that you were supposed to praise the effort rather than the result. So "I love that you tried so hard" rather than "well done you came first" or something. But even then, who cares - better either of those than the robotic nonsense they came out with!
I just had to go back up and re-read because it sounded a lot like a Mumsnet forum from all the bitching. I'm a member of a gentle parenting group that's way nicer and more supportive. Sounds like the people in the group you were unfortunate enough to join were more about making themselves feel good by tearing down others.
At the end of the day we're all winging it aren't we?
Amy Treasure
Ugh, the groups were both really really bad but one in particular, was horrid. When they weren't specifically talking about GP I found them to be just a bunch of people bitching about others: their appearance, people moaning about grandparents that help them with childcare etc etc. I know what you mean and there are elements of GP that I agree with but to be honest, it was never pigeon holed when my older two were little. It was just parenting and like you say, for most of us we are just winging it anyway.
Helen @Talking_Mums
Oh my! Well 'gentle parenting' to me sounds like 'numb parenting ' crikey is smiling at your kids allowed or might that give the impression of praise? Totally agree with you Amy, praise doesn't hurt children neither do boundaries and discipline - all in balance!! X
Amy Treasure
The example responses of 'praise' that people gave on the forum sounded totally numb and robotic. They are not kind people so I don't know how they expect their children to grow up to be nice. Thank you for commenting! x
Kate Tunstall
Where to start?
I have a very firm idea of the way I want to parent, and it mostly relies on listening to my instincts. However, parenting the 'right' way is a huge spectrum. The original principles of GP fit my ideal, but it's become almost like a cult. That rigidity is not healthy. Where's the empathy, compassion, and flexibility to simply respond?!
Bottom line: 'Gentle' is now entirely out of context. What was the perfect description for how I aspire to parent is now close to the antithesis. I will never agree with any 'movement' that condones shaming and judgement. They're the very opposite behaviours to those I plan to model for my children.
Great post xxxx
Cassie
Wow. I believed myself and hubs to be taking inspiration from gentle parenting until I read this. We have and always will praise George. You can't negate the bad and not praise the good. Reading your post has made me think maybe I don't follow their techniques at all. I tried. I waa a member of several Facebook groups. Some I finding whiten psychotic. A lot of the mothers were so rigid and there was no leeway. We are raising kids not robots. I promptly left as I found there wasn't a lot of judgment. And people saying , my mother In law gave my child an orange today without my consent whilst everyone jumped on board again for disgraceful. Never take your children there again. What a horrible woman. Lol.
I'm still a member of obe gentler oarenting group which isn't full of friend of mine. They are sane, kind, rational people. I'm liking this idea of mindful parenting though. I think we all just take our inspiration and do our best.
Well done to you x x x
Amy Treasure
I think that the rigid gentle parents like to believe that their methods are the only gentle ones. What they fail to realise is that even if you've never heard of gentle parenting or have dipped in and out of it, it doesn't mean you're not gentle in your parenting ways.
The forums are pretty vile and judgemental. The number of people I have seen chastised and belittled on there is unbelievable. I agree that a lot of the so-called gentle parents sound totally robotic and unnatural in the way they deal with their kids. I like the idea of mindful parenting too-actually I think we're in the same group if it's the one Kate created? Thanks for reading and commenting xxx
Cassie
That was me yes. I feel bad if any gentle parenters read these comments and feel chastised but as Kate said above, it did feel almost like a cult in some groups.
You have to take what you can from the techniques that suit you and adapt it to your family and your child. We don't all fit into one style. And I'm still in shock about not praising. I honestly never knew that. I almost feel like I want to make an announcement on my blog disassociating myself with that technique as it really doesn't fit with how we are raising George now. Kate's group is a fab idea. We should all just carry on doing the Best Job we can.
Jemma
A great post. I've had similar experiences with so called gentle parents. I wrote a post about this too and how we should pick and choose and not follow one technique wholeheartedly without question - but was taken then taken off a group for doing so! They are very quick to censor!! Things like co-sleeping and sling- wearing are brilliant for some but mother's can give themselves such a guilt complex over these things if they don't work out!
Bec
I completely get your point on all of these areas. Very well put Amy! Better off out of it, I say. So e of these ‘helpful’ forums are home to not opionion but pure hypocrisy. It’s a worry, and an intrigue as to how these children will be as adults.
Get your stickers out and respect teach away!. You wouldn’t find me using these gentle rules in teaching, and funnily enough, I have met some parents who marvel at how their children behave at school but not at home. Not always, but often from a certain camp of parents....
Amy Treasure
I have had a conversation with several teachers about this and they are in agreement that in principle it can be great but it just doesn't work a lot of the time!
Mum OverRun. Sarah Aslett
Lol I am dying reading this - 'grade A bitches' is a term not used enough in my opinion! Nope gentle parenting is definitely not for me either although having said that I am still a bit clueless about parenting my 4 year old too!
Amy Treasure
It really isn't used enough is it?! Haha! Oh I know but my oldest is 18 and you really do just wing it most of the time but as they get older they really do need proper discipline, I know a lot of people hate the idea of that but in my experience, they will walk all over you or worse, hide things from you if you don't implement at least some 'rules'. Thanks so much for reading!
Ashley
Hi Amy,
I'm so sorry about your experience! But I do think you got the wrong end of the stick.
To answer your point on praise. Gentle parents praise, of course we do! But it's about how.
Do have a read of this article, it helps explain.
https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2017/04/08/how-to-praise-your-children-in-a-gentle-and-effective-way/
I'd also recommend how to talk so little kids will listen. This booj is full of practical things to try to get your kids to listen!
Jade
I know this is an old post but I am so with you! I joined a group called ‘gentle parenting’ on Facebook and I was disgusted by the posts. I saw 2 posts calling out people who sleep trained as abusive, I saw a post about toothbrushing difficulties as being a parents fault for not modelling, and another shaming a mum at a park who looked at her phone. I hate it when people make sweeping judgements when they have no clue about the full situation and it can lead to people with postnatal struggles feeling worse. I wrote a post saying how disgusted I was that people felt the need to shame other mums and it got me banned from the group! Support not shame! We are all trying and at the end of the day every child is different!!
Amy Treasure
Hi Jade, thanks so much for reading this and commenting. I'm really sorry you've witnessed the same sort of thing. I've had so many people saying they feel the same, in comments here or by email. I've also been sent plenty of screenshots from people in the GP groups talking about what I've written and bad mouthing me saying they feel sorry for my children because of my bad parenting!! Not so gentle - huh?!
I still stand by my point that parenting teenagers is a whole new ball game and hand on heart can guarantee some of the parents adopting the gentle (yet rigid!) approach are in for terrible problems :-/ Not so gentle - huh?!
Cindy
I totally agree! I joined one of these groups recently and was appalled. They shamed me big time. Told me I was coercing my child and had a pathological need to control him because I don’t want him to say the F word. My son is 6 yrs old by the way. A lady in the gentle parenting group said that both her kids cuss like sailors and she is proud of them.
Amy Treasure
Yep, see that's the problem with not disciplining isn't it?! That kid will have real problems with authority at school/work etc when they have to accept that kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable! I had one mum from a group read this blog and then posted in the group saying she was seriously worried about my older children haha! Like I was abusing them by not following the GP method. Bonkers!
Rachel
And the fruit of this so-called "gentle parenting" approach has been a society of well-adjusted, happy people, right? Oh, no, wait...we're mostly depressed and suicidal, unlike the old days when it was socially acceptable for parents to be, y'know, PARENTS.
I do know a few people who are legitimately gentle parents (in the literal sense of the words), but the vast majority of "gentle parenting" proponents I encounter are, in my estimation, actually just WIMPY parents who are offended by absolutely everything and want so desperately for their children to like them that they wouldn't dream of doing anything that ruffles their feathers.
Shante
I greatly appreciate this blog post. I feel like I’m definitely in the same boat as you. I come from an ABA (applied behavioral analysis) background and have implemented it in my own parenting with my child that comes with rewards and consequences based on his behaviors; while incorporating parts of gentle parenting that I find to actually work and be beneficial. But to constantly explain every. little. decision seems a bit much to me. I feel like our children also need to know that not everyone in their lives will give them as much time as they need to work through their feelings … it’s just not feasible. So, just wanted to say thanks for this post. Makes me feel much better about my parenting style of doing what works best for us.
Amy Treasure
Thank you so much for sharing. It is so helpful for other readers to read your comment and know this is not a one size fits all approach.
Carolyn
Glad I found your article. It appears GP is one size fits all & in the real world it will NOT work. I never heard of GP until tonight when my sons wife asked me to help my grandson take a shower of course that was not how she worded it & I was really confused. It finally dawned on me & I responded, "Oh so you want me to help him take a shower, why didn't you say that?" That's when she mentioned GP. My thoughts were, well no wonder when we have dinner there's sometimes 3 options for picky eaters. I was raised in a family of 9, you ate what was prepared or you didn't eat. When we went to a restaurant on a rare occasion, people literally came up & complimented my parents on how well behaved we were, we knew better than to misbehave. The thought that comes to mind is, Doctor Spock was just as wrong today as he was yesterday. Even if someone walked in your shoes it doesn't make them YOU, so their response would never be the same as yours. Discipline is necessary to be productive in life it's a part of everyday life, it gets you to work on time, it gets you to clean your home, it gets you to be respectful, it builds character. There are no perfect answers that fits everyone in a box of one size fits all. Thank you for your article, you made me smile as a Mom & a Grand Mother. You got this.
Laura
If there are no punishments or rewards for behavior then you don't in fact have boundaries and you are in fact a permissive parent sorry to tell you...
Cedric
Found your post in 2022 (: and I hope the young 'un and you are doing okay! When I was growing up, the parenting buzzword was "self-esteem" and the running joke was Dr. Spock. Well, I guess parents are still following various trends, and I can tell that I can't tell which adults were raised with what trend (not to mention how each generation of teenagers say they'll make a change, but that's another topic. (:
While I haven't raised kid, I have researched answers for dieting and investing (arguably pretty important and personable topics in themselves) and noticed that advice, at least here in the states, almost almost acts as if they're *the* answer and there's something wrong with you if you can't follow it. I think this implicit approach is wrong. Advice should first diagnose the one seeking it, then suggest the best option for them. (The last person I knew who used this unheard of technique was called a "doctor" (:
IMO, In interpersonal relationships (and, back to dieting and investing, in dieting and investing, you're in the most difficult interpersonal relationship possible -- yourself), there is no pat right or wrong answer. You do what works best for yourself and your family in your circumstances, especially when someone who's "helping" you totally ignores it.
Oh, and good luck when you see how your kids raise theirs. (;
Kris
I love this post so much, wow have you hit the nail on the head!!! You can imagine that I came across your post because gentle parenting hasn’t really sat right with me for a while, despite following it since the time my oldest (now 6) was born. It was easy to do GP when he was little and an only child, but now with 2 more siblings and as he’s getting older I can see so many flaws in it. (And I literally cannot even imagine gentle parenting a teenager…it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen). In addition to everything you wrote, these were some other things that really made me lose faith in GP:
- one mom in my GP group said her 10 yo son told her that he was misbehaving in line at school, a teacher physically moved him back into place and chided him. She was thinking she should ask for a meeting with the principal because she didn’t like what the teacher did. But nearly all the moms commenting said she needed to demand the teacher be fired because her actions were ABUSE and ASSAULT and she’s a danger to kids. Just…wow.
- The absolute disregard for logical consequences and only using natural consequences - even when it comes down to letting teens use cars and have accidents (rather than take away the keys) because a car accident is the natural consequence of irresponsible driving.
- That when the parent is doing all the GP things and it’s still not working, that the child needs to go to a therapist and likely has undiagnosed mental health issues. I’m all for therapy, but it just doesn’t make sense to me that such a huge number of kids being gentle parented need therapy…sounds more like a problem with the parenting method.
With all that said I do think there are elements of GP that work quite well, though I think they could also just be called “common sense parenting”. And I think it takes a bit of courage to say that a method you’ve been using isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and to make a change. Your commentary feels like the final confirmation to walk away from GP, and I thank you so much for that!
Yadzaida Padua
Thank you for this! I joined one of those forums and I was appalled at the no reward thing. “Rewards don’t work” they say. I asked them, “so you would work for free?” I once asked for advice for my very difficult child but none of them had real advice other than go to therapy.
candi
thank you so much for this article! somehow i ended up following a professor on facebook whose work is around this area, and from that have stumbled into this world of gentle parenting, et al, and have been trying to figure out what is so bothersome for me abt it all …
i'm no longer parenting; my daughter is grown - so this info is beyond my life right now. reading this article and the comments has been helpful in at least beginning to identify what bothers me. yep, the spaces of pro-gentle parenting very much give cultish, condescending, judgmental, et al
and there’s some absence of the realities of life in this approach. i’m VERY interested in a study in 10-20 years on adults who were parented gently
a Pure Wow article presented an apt point that the level of insight/assessment, etc. into their child that GP requires of a parent ALL the time is unhealthy for the parent - for one human being to do that for another human denies too much of the parent’s individuality in the dynamic (it’s along the lines of over-giving)
also for me, there are other realities not factored in, acknowledged, and/or discussed in what i’m reading - like the whole concept of having children does not even involve giving children choices. none of us chose to be born, and none of us chose our families (at least not in the physical plane/realm - our spiritual/cosmic choices to be born take this convo into a whole ’nother consideration/direction …) children are not even given the choice to be parented gently (or with other methods). so the more i write, i’m discovering that what’s bothering me abt this approach is that it lacks authenticity, and therefore lacks integrity bc its foundation has critical gaps (faults) in its logic (they just do not play out well when extended, or retro-considered)
use of it also seems to be how its practitioners are working out their childhood traumas ~~~~~ and that may even be taking us into gaslighting/projection space …
yes - parenting is as tough as it is rewarding, and to all of us who wake up to do it another day , and generation after generation we must pursue better ways to raise well children into adulthood - so there is space for gentle parenting to be a contribution to our figuring it out, but it’s def not the optimal choice of all available - we need to take what it provides and keep looking til we find what is ~~~~~
thank you for letting me think out loud …
Elena
AMY thank you for this article. I have joined a Facebook group about attachment parenting and posted a question of whether my attitude towards my toddler could be considered punishment or natural consequences. An admin of the group said to me, while I was conflicted about the issue that: it was a punishment, absorb it and do better next time. I was surprised by her rudeness. I told her I don't believe she is right just because she, as she made it clear, was an admin. And then she went crazy. She accused me of needing to sugarcoat everything and told me we don't do attachment parenting to adults, you are an adult and I am not responsible for your feelings, you are faking an apology to hide your guilt....she couldn't stop. I told her that she is being rude and no supportive thus she violates the rules of the group and she laughed. She told me all the other admins saw our discussion and they don't share my opinion that the broke the rules. And to learn to handle direct language. Afterwards they locked comments and banned me from the group for several days because I was promoting punishment according to the note they sent me. This was totally irrational and this lady obviously had her issues but the others did not react? How could this happen? What kind of parents are there people who are so fanatically support attachment parenting? I have to say I was shocked.
no name
I have a friend who I have stayed in touch with since we were very young. She came from a family that was disciplined. When I met her kids, I saw how naturally great she was. When they came to stay with me, I saw how disrespectful her kids were to her. It is hard to have an adult conversation around a child who doesn't know manners or feels that it's ok to scream in a store. I don't have kids, and I see this gentle parenting as a form of birth control for me. How will kids grow up to be resilient? Hold a conversation without becoming a narcissist? Parenting is hard, especially if you are the Mom and the Dad. But if your kid can't behave and that's not a part of one's teaching style, then keep your kid at home until they can integrate with society like mature adults. I believe a parent's job is to raise a kid to thrive and become humans that contribute to society in a positive way not be a brat. When these kids become teenagers, I can only imagine how worse the situation will become. Take responsibility and teach kids to be responsible of their own actions.